Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
