Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
