Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
