In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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