If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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