I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
