I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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