I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
