I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
