Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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