I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
