Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize