Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
