I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
