Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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