she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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