he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
