Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
