I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
