I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize