I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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