the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
