i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
