Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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