bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
