Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
