Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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