if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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