remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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