I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
