Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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