she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
