Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
