can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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