Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize