Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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