Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
