Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
