omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
