I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
