Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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