you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
