he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
