end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
