I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
