I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize