So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize