So drunk its hurt
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
