I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
