They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize