Your tits are I can't wait for
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
