YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
