I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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