I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
