My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
