So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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