Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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