i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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