I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
