Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
