u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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