Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
