Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He better not be in your backpack
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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