either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
