someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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