it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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