i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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